If I could write an entry, it would be an entry of 'Blank'. Blank not because there isn't anything to write but too much that the ends of it seems to be endless, just as the sky is wide and the sea deep. Blank reveals much emptiness yet reasons behind are in abundance. That abundance makes the empty pleantiful. When I say blank do the think of the colour white or black?
White, the colour of purity, innocence.
It was great getting the shirt.
And I couldn't agree any less that the company was all that mattered.
Somehow you always strive till 99%
1% to perfection, yet 1% can bring so much doubt.
The picture on the screen totally spoiled my mood.
And the story told just made me less special.
When you treat everyone special, I just become like everyone else. -- funny how it make sense now compared to then.
love is never jealous.
and I'm not.
It's just that...
though I understand that looks ain't everything somehow I feel I lack in both.
and perhaps others have a full package.
I remember telling Shawn:
You know it when someone really likes you...you can just tell.. You just know.
you give me mix signals. and somehow I just ain't confident.
This ain't super bothering me, but it's doing enough to stir bits of troubled thoughts in my head.
Just a little bit.
and worst still I can't tell you cause I don't want to be like the person you left.
and I can't put a finger on how deep we are.
A part of me feels like running away.
Sometimes I feel that I'm not the one for you and your not the one for me
Sometimes I feel not good enough for you
Sometimes I wish you and I were us.
Funny how sometimes occurs too many times.
and I hate it when I compare you to the previous.
and I wonder if you do the same, or do you treat me as the one before?
the previous is significant but doesn't matter as much.
if only you went 1% further.
Or I accept 1% less.
Either way, it's short lived.
I feel and wish not.
.Loving and Being Loved.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
.I had a bad day.
A total bumer. (is that how you spell it?)
I'm back here again. Guess all my bad day entries are going to be here. Well, mass was a little distracted. Went for mass with Louis, Angel, Ele and Cedric. Upon reflecting, I felt quite bad for dragging Cedric along. It was quite obvious that there was too much distraction and that we were too far from the alter to truly concentrate. sighs.
Secondly, my dad's car couldn't start. We had to push the car and later my uncle came to connect some cable to jump start the car. The car could move. The initial plan was to go somewhere near home for lunch just in case the car broke down again. However, mum said she had coupons for a restaurant at Furama Hotel - some hotel at Chinatown. So after parking the car there, mum realised that she brought the wrong coupons. Oh bother. So we ate at the big hawker centre instead. The food was good but after lunch my hair reek the smell of BA GUA. eee-u.
The family went OG for shopping whereas I stoned and went window shopping in the crowded shopping centre. Called Judette to ask whether she could accompany me for jogging but she already started a running plan out with Marvin every morning before school. And while I was all cranky in Chinatown she was all merry with Val in Little India. Oh wells. What to do? Coincidentally it was the 15th. (I'm set to call Joachim on the 15th of every month so we get to talk at least once every month) So looking forward to a somewhat comforting conversation only ended up in a 5mins pathetic exchange of nothing. It's getting harder to regard my closest friends as my best pals. One is caught up with so many commitments in life while the other I'm simply cluless to the point where I don't know why I should bother some times.
It takes 2..
The worst part of the day came when the car couldn't start again. This time while trying to jump start the car, the engine thingy had a mini explosion and my dad burnt is arm quite badly. I overheard 1 of the uncles saying that the car batteries have acid water. Mum accompanied dad to the hospital while joce waited for the toll truck. Me and adeline took the public bus home. Dad and Mum ain't home from the hospital yet.
I hate bad days.
.Loving and Being Loved.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
hey. It's strange. As much as I wanted to blog, I just couldn't help blogging on easyjournal.There's just this fixed thinking that the 1st entry of the year has to be a good and perferbly a happy one...you know, to kick start the new year well.
And so I'm here. How have you been old friend?
Firstly a Happy New Year. Your not forgotten old pal : ) Will give you a new look if time permits.
How have I been? Well, rather mixed up actually. You know the feeling where 1 foot is in the water and the other 1 is on land. I see myself entering into a somewhat foreign me and again perhaps I'm thinking too much. For all that has happened, the last thing that I ever want to re-occur is the repeat of 2005. New year, I want a new me.
Wah, thinking of it, it's darn sickening to know that at the age of 17+ you still have not found your true identity. As I point to the east I'm thinking of the west and when I'm halfway up north I ponder about going down south. This sure reminds me of routing for my Australia trip project. Back tracking! Oh bother.
With so much time on my hands, I have much to lose yet so little desire to pick things up. What's wrong with you angie? Have you lose focus? Have you lose the picture? Are you Lost?
On a brighter note, I'm loving the trips to the Gift of love home. My wednesdays are my angie days. For yours truly. That's where I truly feel my closest friend. I just love it. It's weird when you love it when your bestest friend makes you cry. He reassures me that He loves me and He's looking out for me. It's understood - just between us.
And If I threw it all away, would the new come as the old go? Or will I realise that it was my own hands that threw what I treasured.
And I treasure too much to let go and love too much to do just the opposite.
The problem of pain - C.S Lewis
My lovable godma lent me this book. It's quite a hard read but it's funny how my writing style is similar. Long sentences with commas to keep it going...Passionately giving examples to prove what you believe. What you like to write need not be what you like to read.
Though I haven tried reading fantasy books, I sure ain't a great fan of them. Somehow, Dragons and fairies don't appeal to me. Upon, being a good sister, helping joce pick out some books from the library for her essay on Holocaust, I found the root of my passion for reading. I love History! Or books that gives me greater knowledge of the world and the expression of the greatness of human emotions! It's fabulous to know that Chai likes history too. One of the only subjects we enjoyed during our 1st 3 months in JC. ^5 to you sister. When I read, I read real slowly. I like to have a mini movie theatre in my head as I read. Funny how for the current book I'm reading, the only scenario that screens in my head is the vision of C.S Lewis putting his thoughts on paper.
If I read a book a month, I would have covered 12 books in a year. That's pretty Woah for me.
I need to put my thoughts on paper.
Meanwhile the theme of the year still applies - I choose to love.
Thanks for being here for me once again. It just proves to show that some things don't change.
.Loving and Being Loved.
Monday, August 29, 2005
Move on to angiee.easyjournal.com
See you there..
.Loving and Being Loved.
Monday, May 02, 2005
After much calculation of hours multipled by $5, and during the process of being teased by Kamal (in the background you can hear.."Aiya, don't need to count lah.Count here,count there also still the same.") I have decided that my last day of work would be on the 8th of May. That means I have to squeeze in more hours this week to reach my target. Checked out my schedule for my last week of work..(being this week)
Thurs 11am-6pmFri 11am-10pm
It going to be a long week but it's worth it for the well deserved rest the week after that. Have yet to call Chris to inform him about it.I hope he approves. I need to rest and do the things I want to do before school commence. I am taking it day by day.
Goodbye to you. Thanks for all that you've given me but it's time I left you and move on. It's hard too looking back at all those memories. We used to be so so close. I shared with you my thoughts and you were always there. Vented my anger and you always received it anyhow without complaint. You changed..actually I changed you, but it didn't matter at all. Cause your purpose in my life was clear. And I really appreciate you for that. I watched how you grow and you watched how I grew. Somehow we complimented each other :) We had each other ever since end of sec2? sec3? It's funny how longed we survived as I watched others fade into nothing. It really brings a smile to my face. I loved the songs you sang, the way you looked and the people you brought me closer to. You helped me discover who I was even without me knowing it. But now I know. So thank you. And I know you won't hold me back cause it's time I moved on to another level, another phase in life. And whatever I do, wherever I am, I know where to find you..Thank you old friend...Goodbye.
This will be my last entry. take care all. God bless :)
.Loving and Being Loved.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Work - A new person came to work today. Was telling eve and jean how I did not felt like a newbie anymore which they replied in madarin " Your considered old already lah!" ha. It's amazing how my work mates have become my friends. It's always great crapping with them when there are no customers and it's simply wonderful how people from so different backgrounds can come together and just talk. And when we are working together, we work as a team. Everyone helps to get the work done. No doubt sometimes we kid around and deliberately offer the other to serve the "Ke Ren" (customer), we still look out for each other. And when it comes to eating, we pin point at what is hao chi (good to eat) and what is bu hao chi (not good to eat). Jean and Eve were even thinking of having a cedele outing. A day out to chill and relax. Was even joking of asking brother to come along to help wash the dishes. Wahaha.
Friends - Besides the ones made at cedele, I've been catching up or going to meet up with my old pals. On msn would be mainly Matt Heng (currently discussing about school and getting laptops together),Kim Kan (and her dancing turtles.Ha.), Jareth,Marcus (meeting him on thursday after work).I even managed to chat with zhi zhong surprisingly! And we both found out that our Birthday's are so close to each other. (Mine's on the 18th and his on the 20th) He's suppose to visit my workplace when he's free and I'm suppose to go for the mass where his choir sings. Will do so dude, will do so. Managed to catch Gidman online too. He's visiting on sunday :) and so is Sherman ( he visited for the last 2 sundays already.) And Caryn promised that we will get to hang out! Miss that girl so much man. But currently she's tied up with prelims so can't disturb her till after. Going to meet up with xian wei too! Yay, it's been super long since we last met! Not to mention mun whye, carol and jude! Yes, we will meet up soon babes. Got to catch up with you all. Am trying very hard to find time before school starts. Most meet up sessions are done after 6pm. Am still deciding when to stop work. Hmmm.
Besides work - I have been giving Grace, Peter's sister tuition. Doubt I'll be charging my aunt since I've got a job that's bringing me some cash. James is so cute!!!! Seeing him just lights up my day and brings a big smile on my face. Work can be rather tiring but seeing him just gathers enough energy for me to try to be part of his world. Ah..he is just so cute!!! Am currently also finishing a book.. " 5 people you meet in heaven." This book is read only during mrt rides to work and on the way home. And I am really enjoying the book. Me and KK kinda switch books. He loan me that book and I loan him " Tuesdays with Morrie." Am really loving this book and enjoying any form of transpot that allows me to read it. It's the joy of entering into another world by visualising everything. Sometimes it's nice to escape away from the real world and enjoy the life of someone else through their words and what they see. It's amazing how sheets of paper with a spine and cover to hold it together can do such things to human emotions and to the human mind. Amazing huh? And to think that I was never much into reading. Heh.
When God closes a door, He opens a window. You will never know why He closed that door but I guess all explaining will be done when you're in his kingdom. That's what the book says not in those exact words though. You will meet 5 people (in heaven) who will explain to you your life and help you understand or answer questions that you had about it. Fact of fiction? Either way, it's a wonderful thought.
If it was fact, I wondered if I'll meet anyone who is reading this or is part of my life now. And I also wonder if I'll get to explain what happened in the life of others.
It's a thought. A beautiful one :)
Will dwell in it while it last.
.Loving and Being Loved.